It Hurts When We Know

I was thinking by myself a lot tonight... hanging around with Rasyid and shared a lot of stories.. well... Its hurts hard when u recall back your history of life... Its full of darkness.. And some of it can be little bit of hypocrisy.. I was born talented in some field and it suppose to be as an advantage to improve my life and others.. to help in a good way... But how many of these talents or this skills or this look have i use to do good deeds? How many did i misuse this "prize"?

It hurts because some of it are the bad things you've made.. and some people hears it and says its "cool" or "awesome"... Well its not.. it is all about the Nafs that controlled the heart and the Shaitan's victory towards me... When I look back on myself.. im so filthy.. dirty.. with unimaginable sins that people who look so innocent as me to do... Its pathetic to be proud of it.. Well im not proud of it.. but every sins that we made is like a drug and you are addicted to it... We are trying to stop but we still think of it.. and big possibilities that we are going to repeat those thing..

When we look at the people we care and the people that we love made something really-really stupid.. we hate it... but the fact that we have been there and we are haunted with that.. we are in the dilemma of either to prevent or just keep it quiet by ourself.. I was about to cry when i think about it... It makes me stressed out... And even me.. I hate but sometimes I want that...

Screw it Shaitan..... SCREW IT!

Since I was in secondary, the juniors look up on me as a good senior, some say as pious.. then came along the 'ujub... but the dark secret are kept inside me.. daring to make wrongdoing without caring the consequences.. I got this innocent look and bright shining face.. but im not that innocent after all... In UIA, one of my beloved lecturer chose me as a class representative because he said that I have the Thiqah in me.. so people believed in me..

But i dont even deserve any of this.. living in a shadow of life that keeps me astray from the light... making me feel insecure of every action i made.. every story people say.. every rumor that comes by...

The motivation I gave from the wrong thing I made.. but still and still I did not take my own advice while others did.. some friends really respected me because of the gifted talent.. because of this experience of life taught me a lot.. I know whats happening and still i took for granted and go on with this terrible situation.. for an 18 year old.. I can say my life is a packfull of mind blowing experience that some may got it late.. it happens to be ive got a lot of lesson I can share that may lead to a good future.. some people changes when they hear it.. seek advice from me.. BUT ME? the fault if the past keeps on repeating and repeating like a machine... Seeking advice from ego!

I cried a lot lately... those EVIL memories are haunting me.. The SORROWS are pushing me towards the death of mind... Sadness controls the heart.. but the useless tears flowing on the cheek is because of the lies of dunia.. the tears that is not even worth to drop... the failure of something not important that leads to useless depression never ever ends...

even i have the answer to WHY AM I LIVING IN THIS WORLD and WHO AM I IN THIS WORLD.. still i failed in the test...