Short note for a short post

I am pretty sure the readers know that for the past month ive been in a very bad situation with not so good emotion. YES! I am very emotional during those period and even today. So today's post arent going to be very happy or should I say.. its kinda sad too...

I've been struggling with my feelings and to bear in my mind that one thing that I am not sure of, I can't put too much hope in it. I've put in a massive effort to reach there though its a long way to go. But one thing I can't stop doing is being a jerk. well.. sort of... I'm afraid that if i make a mistake, I will then fail and never get there.

I don't really know how am I going to handle this, because the more I fight, the more I'm eager to do that. From being very close... Now we are getting further.. further and further away... And this disturbing thing makes me feel ultimately insecure about myself... All I want is to be happy.. but the more I try... the sadder i've become...

Frankly speaking, I can accept the fact that we are just friend because I didn't even plan to have more than that... but deep in my heart, it is always different.. and without me saying it, people knows.. and yes, nobody like to be in a gossip and I didn't plan to see it happens.. but when it happens. it destroys my hope because I know you wouldnt like it... but now... I don't know what to do....

And for the record, i've been into this blogging(by means of being active) is one of my effort to entertain the person I love.. but since my post are getting very personal and very sad. I don't think I could entertain anymore.. or maybe it makes me look stupid and I cant care more than this...

If we are not close as before, I hope we can be close.. but in other way.. I just cant afford to lose it... I know I am in a one way feeling.. and still hoping Ill find my way to make it as a 2 way... the reasons are very concrete on why we are not the same.. and why we are not close...

its like a thunder strike in my heart when she said "we are just friends! END".. I just don't know what to say then... tears suddenly fall from my eyes... my heart stops beating.. and all I can do is just pray to Allah.. to make me strong.. and to pray that someday... my wish comes true..

I respected her choice, and i choose to follow.. and I hope.. I can prove to her.. that I am qualified to be a HUSBAND who is not just a person who loves, but also as a husband to guide, to feed and to give the best to her... ITS MY WORD and ITS MY PROMISE

to you: Sorry if this blog post annoys you, or make you feel very uncomfortable I AM VERY VERY SORRY.. If you really think that things arent going to work out, or perhaps you really cant give even a piece of heart in the future.. I can still accept if you say you would reject me and after that, I WILL MOVE ON and I can accept to call you.. as just a friend.. and not more than that :S