Killing Feeling

How should I even start this? My mood? Im not sure whether im happy or sad.. but this feeling I have right now is totally killing me... Its happy to see what is in front of me.. but it hurts to see what happened on my back.. after looking at it.. its like I was bombarded right on the face.. I was too confident at first.. but it seems that the confidence i have in this case... its not that helping.. How i wish i have the answer.. though i didnt expect to the extend that i actually want. but if i know the answer just a little... it may help me to wait till one point.. the exact point so i can proceed to win the match and be the one to get it.. though its not even a game.. still... this is more to a challenge of life.. another point of life that changes a lot of things..

But why should i suffer so bad this way? i tried so hard to not be demoralized by that.. but even the people who "watch" the game seems to see it at the point where the competitor is in an advantage.. that particular competitor seems to be having not just 1.. BUT!! it seems that he have 4 major advantages that is an impossible for me to have such advantages... though the potential of winning seems to be with me.. the advantages makes him closer to winning... i wont give up! though several times i may be feeling like so.. and i iadmit that this could make me cry my eyes out to win this thing... Ive never be so obsessed to win such match but ive lost once and it really makes me really really SAD!!! ive been suffering this ever since i started it.. even people seems to be seeing me losing though they didnt say it directly.. some dont even notice i was struggling through... THANKS A LOT MR.COMPETITOR.... i think you blew me and make me look so SMALL and makes you look BIG!!! but in a way u are big.. i feel threatened like hell of a threat..

i tried to look at it in a positive manner.. still.. makes me feel terrified.. i can say that if i were to compare the "possession", it is that guy who dominates it.. more to like 65%-35%.... well.. my friends are with me.. even they realize that my current post was threatened,... but i keep it cool.. smile to the opponent.. as if i am not threatened.. but deep inside.. i wish he was dead.. oppss.. sorry.... not dead.. maybe that guy could back up or stop competing... but this guy was the major competitor.. the minor competitor might also suddenly be the winner... im glad that im still standing with some progress.. and the progress seems to be kinda positive... by the time im in my degree.. I PRAY TO ALLAH!! may i win this and may i be getting the best of my fight.. and having the winning of life.. once and for all,,,,